What do we do to cope?
I’ve been doing this abuse/alienation combo since 1998. No lie.
(And for those who automatically think that means I’m pathetic, I’ll let you know that I filed for divorce in 2007 and have been fighting my ass off to find some peace and healing ever since.)
So I’ve done a little of everything by now. Sort of. Managed to avoid drugs, but I’ve run marathons and snuck cigarettes on my neighbor’s porch and meditated and taken up yoga and tried to let go of all attachments and meditated some more and dated and not dated and pored over books and taken my dogs for walks and managed to get a better job. I’ve hired and fired attorneys and psychologists and therapists and more and I’ve gone to graduate school and become an activist and had wine with dinner and wine before bed and I’ve taken long baths and started watching TV and given up housekeeping and then scrubbed the house top to bottom.
I’ve sobbed myself to sleep a thousand million times.
And I’ve faced the bottom line, which means I know there’s no healing recovery advice for people who can’t end the trauma.
At least, I haven’t found it yet.
But I’ve looked.
And tried lots of different things. And so my most recent adventure includes lifting weights over my lunch hour. I’m actually getting really strong… and that feels good.
Chin ups feel empowering when everything else in the world feels nuts.
So I’m going for bad ass. And faltering all at once. If I could stick to healthy eating, I’d be rocking the world. But I have to say, it’s hard to stick to anything when you’ve been traumatized for years. My willpower is worn out.
I’m trying to be patient with myself.
Mostly, I’m not.
But meanwhile, I’m lifting weights.
We’ll see how it goes.